L3: Nkwenda Inho Amaka

Last night, after a full day of clinic with a pause of yoga in between, I had a revelation Asher. I was riding my bike and for some reason, I decided to let go. Unconsciously, my hands fell to my sides and I was riding with no hands. It seems trivial, but the strange thing? I wasn't afraid. Every time before, I was in fear of falling. Yet, this time, nada. Then I thought... "This is going to be a good year."

Before going to bed, I held little Edisa, the elephant, and prayed for the kids to be safe. It just felt right tonight.

This morning at 6:30AM, I woke up to a phone call. It was Ugandan and I just knew. It was the first time since leaving that I talked to them and I have never felt more relief.

Nkwenda inho amaka. I love you very much family.

DL3: Baleen Morning

In the midst of Finals studying (of which I have not been), I came across this beautiful song. It stopped me mid-thought, filled me with joy and wonder. The way the guitar ever so lightly plays its notes combined with the quiet entrance of the cello lifts my heart. And when the piano has its mini 5 second solos of just one note - pure bliss. A truly amazing song.

Curious as to what baleen was, I looked it up and found that it is what composes the filter feeding system of a whale. =) Brings a smile to my face thinking what a baleen kind of morning is. I think today might have been one. With so much to do in a few days time, I woke up today with a need for a filter. Hopefully a "baleen" of mine will show up. Where are you?

DL3: Finding myself in surprises

It's always a hard thing to do. Now that I'm by myself, I feel numerous things and I don't feel anything at all. It's a search for something - a finite, concrete emotion - that is impossible to find at this moment in time. Yet, my focus tries to remain in the present, something that I feel I've always had a hard time with. But I am optimistic - inspired by a true friend that surprises me constantly.

I recently had a discovery. A newly found aspect of myself I never knew existed. In the midst of pain and loss, I have found happiness. Not just the regular smiley face/emoticon happy. This happiness is unexpected, pure, and invigorating. I have never experienced anything like this in my entire life. I'm scared and excited simultaneously. I had to write about it and it feels great. 

Of all things, this happiness is coming from music - specifically what is termed "Electronic Dance Music." If any of my friends know me at all, this is not Esther Oiyee Chung. I stay in comfort zones of blue music, namely a boy with a guitar singing about his heartbreak. Sad, yet sweet sounding to me. Or I dive into the mainstream Top 40 business. But this EDM. This is incredible. I cannot entirely describe everything that happens to me, but it is refreshing and happy. 

It started from my trip to Vegas this past weekend with my friends. The trip started out as a getaway vacation with some seniors graduating. I went into it excited, but confused (about Love). It hurt me and broke breaks me. I came out of the weekend with vigor and withdrawal symptoms of Vegas. No doubt the dancing, the 21 status, the fun clubs, and the good friends are influencing this withdrawal, but the most surprising influence = the music. My experience at the Tao club we visited the first night was indicative of the emotions I felt coming into Vegas. A drunk, skanky mess of Esther correlated to the mainstream top 40 remixes that the DJ played. And just to note, there is nothing wrong with that. I, you, needed it. These past 2 weeks have been harsh - a rocky rollercoaster ride with horrible suspension that bangs your head between the seat bars - and I think the next few weeks will be as well. The top 40 music allowed me to go crunk crazy and I appreciate it. I don't regret anything and don't apologize for anything. 

The second night is where Discovery bloomed. XS, a pretty skanky club itself (naked women on the walls = feminist in me screaming), played EDM - the electro music I so so previously avoided out of annoyance. I danced to it buzzed and felt like I felt the night before - confused. Yet, in our effort to leave the club and head back (to the hotel room, to Berkeley, to school, to now), Swanky Tunes (the headlining DJs) played this: the Alesso remix of "If I Lose Myself" by OneRepublic. Looking back, I was ecstatic and sober when it came on - pure joy (but at the same time high on life I think). I had wanted it to play and it did. I danced myself away. It was our last song of the night, of Vegas and it was glorious. I would not have wanted any other song to be my last of that weekend. Then Yesterday. I played the song. THE UNEXPECTED, PURE, INVIGORATING HAPPINESS POURED OUT OF ME. I was reliving the moments in XS. I was starting a Discovery. 

Forward to now, 3:45am on the broken futon in the living room of my apartment, typing away on my laptop on a blog - something I haven't done in years. I just spent the last 3 hours talking to my optimistic friend about this EDM business. Discovery blast. House. Trance. Chill. It's all a new start and I'm loving every. minute. of. it. Discovered trance tonight and I cannot fully express the things I feel. Listened to this song (Fire Sign by Agulo feat. David Berkeley) and HAPPINESS came again. An entire smile, vibrant and full, formed on my lips as this song opened my soul to my eyes. Nothing has ever happened like this before to me. When I listen, I feel so unbelievably happy. Everything negative fades away. Only good comes through. UNEXPECTED, PURE, INVIGORATING good. It is so incredible. 

I cannot describe this newfound excitement I have about my life right now. It's the beginning of something so absolutely new to me and I cannot wait to explore. Keeping an open mind to everything in front of me - I want to DELLL. 

All of this could not have been possible without my optimistic friend. Thank you JYT. I cannot express the gratitude I have because this music is giving me life - something that few things so far in my 21 years has.